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Don't wish your girlfriend was hot?
Posted on 2007.07.07 at 17:00
I've been thinking about something, sparked from a post on a community I'm a member of.

The difference in "power" between a submissive and a dominant. What is it? Is it the same kind of power? Different? Why does it seem that some people feel that submissives are weak? This makes no sense to me.

More on this topic later.

Don't wish your girlfriend was hot?
Posted on 2007.07.05 at 21:33
I haven't written here in something like two years. Clearly, it isn't my "first" journal. It's not something that I thought I wanted to even remember. But I had a talk with my friend Natalie the other day and it occurred to me that she was correct: this isn't something that you get to choose. The way you feel deep down inside? It's how you really are. It's who you are. And it's something that is ingrained in you. In your soul, almost.

You can try to forget where you come from, what makes you tick, but you can't. It's not that easy. Sometimes, I wish it was. But then I remember the feeling of the leather around my neck and I realize that it'll never be something I can just ... forget.

So, I decided I will write a bit more often. I will try to figure out what it is that ticks deep down inside me and put it out here.

Don't wish your girlfriend was hot?

This made me laugh a little too hard....

Posted on 2005.07.20 at 10:23
If there is someone on your friends list with whom you would like to engage in a hot, sweaty, 4 hour long sexual encounter which - in terms of voracity - would sound like someone banging two steer carcasses together while stirring a 50 gallon bowl of macaroni and cheese over a public address system, then post this exact sentence in YOUR journal.

Don't wish your girlfriend was hot?

Too much to ask?

Posted on 2005.07.19 at 23:20
Current Mood: calmcalm
Current Music: The aforementioned song

Where do I find a guy to sing about being the light? Where is the one who will guard me and guide me? LOL

When I first heard this song ... many many many years ago I fell in love with it. However, as I got older and everyone started to talk of marriage and wedding songs etc ... I never was a big "wedding planner" myself. I mean, if I ever get married I don't think I want anything ... just me, him, and a priest lol ... no really though I never gave it all much thought. But if I ever got married. This would probably be my wedding song. Only because if I ever got married it would be to someone who I really thought could protect me the way Raoul promises to protect Christine.

Anyway ... I'm off to bed, my darlings! :)

:) For any of you who have never heard it - Raoul's words are in blue, Christine's are in purple and when they both sing is in yellow. :) Adios!

No more talk
of darkness,
Forget these
wide-eyed fears.
I'm here,
nothing can harm you -
my words will
warm and calm you.

Let me be
your freedom,
let daylight
dry -your tears.
I'm here,
with you, beside you,
to guard you
and to guide you . . .

Say you love me
waking moment,
turn my head
with talk of summertime . . .

Say you need me
with you,
now and always . . .
promise me that all
you say is true -
that's all I ask
of you . .

Let me be
your shelter,
let me
be your light.
You're safe:
No-one will find you
your fears are
far behind you . . .

All I want
is freedom,
a world with
no more night . . .
and you
always beside me
to hold me
and to hide me . . .

Then say you'll share with
me one
love, one lifetime . . .
Iet me lead you
from your solitude . . .

Say you need me
with you
here, beside you . . .
anywhere you go,
let me go too -
that's all I ask
of you . .

Say you'll share with
me one
love, one lifetime . . .
say the word
and I will follow you . . .

Share each day with
me, each
night, each morning . . .

Say you love me . . .

You know I do . . .

Love me -
that's all I ask
of you . . .

(They kiss)

Anywhere you go
let me go too . . .
Love me -
that's all I ask
of you . .

Don't wish your girlfriend was hot?

Dust In The Wind

Posted on 2005.07.18 at 16:42
Current Mood: determined
Current Music: Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.
Ok - I told someone earlier today that I would try to think of the right words and then explain it later this afternoon or whatnot.
However, I think I will explain it here.

This is how I see things:

There is a reason and a purpose for everyone, for every being. Some people you meet and you connect with instantly. Be it attraction, be a caring - something about them speaks to you. There heart and mind cry out to yours and you suddenly feel something. It is not always a love. It is not always known right away what it is. But there is undeniably - SOMETHING. This does not happen to me often and it does not happen with many. But - the few times it has, I have learned to take the time to get to know that person. Let them into my heart. And embrace them for the time they are there. There are some people who enter your life and you are unsure why. Others, it is apparant from day one. However, everyone enters your life for a reason. This, I am sure of. People who believe in past lives may think these people you have the connection with, you knew them in a past life. I merely like to think of it as this - they have something to teach you. So embrace them, and their teachings. Some people step foot into your lives and are there a short time, but leave the most impression on your life. Others impact your life for the remainder of it.

I was speaking with the man I have been telling you all about here ... For my and your sanity we will, from here on out, refer to him as "Sir". This will help, I hope.

Anyway - I was speaking with him earlier today and I decided (although I knew it all along) That he was correct. Or "Meeting" was not a coincedence. There is a reason behind it. And it makes me smile to think that perhaps it is not just him that has to teach me something - maybe I have something that I can teach him. Or maybe it is much more simple than that - maybe at this point in our lives, we are what each other needs for now.
Maybe, he will become a permanent fixture in my life. A voice of firm reasoning and a guiding light when time calls for it. Who knows what the future holds - all I know is that I am glad that we had this "chance encounter" that we have had so far. And I am looking forward to learning the lesson he has been sent to teach.

On another note - it is 100% undeniable. I want to, one day, be owned again. I guess I thought I could be happy being ... well I guess I thought the occasional scene with the "old master" would help. I guess I thought I could quench the thirst that my soul is begging for. But I can't. It's no longer something that you want it's something that you need. And it pulls at your insides. And it twists and turns your being until you finally have to realize that - it's true. You can't deny it. Does that make me so horrible? NO! Then why do I try to fight it sometimes? I try to tell myself I am happy where I am at now. And I am. Don't get me wrong. But would I rather be going home to my dog and my cat tonight? Or would I rather be going home and kneeling next to my Master's chair and being able to rest my head on his lap while he strokes my hair softly? Uh - duh. I think the answer is obvious. So why do I try to hide this from myself so often? I'm a dumbass sometimes. lol That was eloquent wasn't it?

And, for the person who will understand this:
I wasn't joking earlier today. Well I was at the time, half joking. But I think I have figured it out. I was, in fact, looking for a guardian angel. Someone to wrap their wings around me and protect me. From what? I don't know. I will keep my eyes closed and you don't even have to tell me what it is that's there ;)

I feel like I was on my soap box today.

Don't wish your girlfriend was hot?


Posted on 2005.07.16 at 15:25
Current Mood: amusedamused
Current Music: She drives me crazy
I have just had the most hectic day at work. Bleh. But I am in a fantastic mood. And it's so hot and muggy out. Bleh. But still - great mood.

I am not sure why. Hmmm.
I have a small idea why though.

I have been very ... talkative here the past few days. Yikes. I'd hate to think I might reveal too much one day. I have been thinking about making this all friends only. Maybe I will?

I am off to pick up my computer which is supposedly fixed. It may not be which means - I may or may not be able to use my computer today. I hope I can.

This was a pointless post. Yet I will still post it. :)

Don't wish your girlfriend was hot?
Posted on 2005.07.16 at 13:39
Current Mood: flirtyflirty
quick note before I go ...there are these two cuteeeee 18 year old guys who work here and they both just came up together into my office and I dunno if I just need to go have sex or what but I want to take them out back and teach them a "lesson" lol I feel like a pedophile

Don't wish your girlfriend was hot?

What a difference a good night's sleep can make ...

Posted on 2005.07.16 at 09:01
Current Mood: crazycrazy
Current Music: I dont want the world to see me ... :)
So ... um yeah ... I feel a little bit more together. What horrible English that was. It's thundering here. Where was it I read the story about the thunder therapy? I'd like some of that right now. Just slide on under the desk ;)

Anyway ... I have decided this.
Why in good God's name do I try to overthink and overanalyze everything? I never used to be like that.
And I am not going to overanalyze the two situations in my life I was. I will merely roll with them and whatever happens happens. Right? Right.

I spoke with an ex boyfriend last night for hours. I so enjoy our conversation. I wish he lived closer and we could be friends, you know? I know that it will never work between us. We can't ever go back to what we were. But we can be friends. And I would miss him if we weren't. I greatly enjoy his conversation and his intellect. And he is nothing but nice to me everytime we speak. Funny how you can be such wonderful friends and such. But you can't be in a relationship. What is it that takes the best part of your friendship and throws it away when you enter a relationship. Do you know what I mean?

It's not that we are different people now then we were. We were friends before we were together. And we are friends now after. But we threatened to kill each other every day when we were together. I wonder why that is. Ah I remember why we broke up - because he couldn't keep his dick in his pants. Right. Hmmm. Suddenly I still want to kill him. haha. No really - that's the weird part. I never thought that I would be able to get over that. Becuase it was a huge blow to my heart at the time. But I was young. Well, ok I"m still young. But I was younger and more naive. Now I wouldn't expect any boy to keep his dick in his pants when he leaves to go halfway across the country. It would be a surprise to me now if they could. Not if they didn't. Make sense? haha. Anyway long story short - I am glad that he's a part of my life. I have been realizing that I, and all of society, take people in their life for granted. We don't stop enough and tell people that they are welcome in our lives. Or that we like them there. Or that we love them. I have seen a lot of pepole come and go in my life. People my age, younger ... and we take it for granted that they know that you love them. Or that they know that you think of them as the best of friends.
No, people. We have to tell them. We need to let them know that they are important to us. At least that's how I have been trying to deal with everything lately. I know it's cheesey. But I make sure I tell my sister everytime I leave her house that I love her. Because she's only 13 - if something happened to me or something to her I want her to know that she's loved and she's important and she's special. You have to tell people these things. We aren't smart enough to always know that Sally really loves us or Doug thinks we're best buddies. Sometimes we can't see that. And you dont want to wait too long to do it because you never know what tomorrow brings.

Ummm ok whatever I sound like a cheesey looney bin escapee. But it's true. :)

EDIT: This is weird, but I just re-read this and I used all relatives names in there - how totally weird I didn't even think about it. Like I have relatives named sally and doug who are married to each other ... haha how funny. :)

Don't wish your girlfriend was hot?

I'm not even sure what to say ...

Posted on 2005.07.15 at 18:49
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: My baby she wrote me a letter.
Ok my dears.
Here's the thing - I don't know what to say or who to say this to. So it will come out in a weird little rambled post I am sure.
So here goes.

I haven't really explained this much on here.
But here goes *deep breath*
Hmmm how do I put this
Ok - I have been ... speaking. (There's a good start)
I have also been breathing lol
No really though ... I have been speaking with this ... dominant man through emails and instant messages.
Ok - so ... yeah. There's step one ... admitting I have a problem or something?
No really though. So I have been talking to him. He has been giving me ... "tasks" etc .... I have had the most amazing orgasms. I enjoy this "company" and his words. I want to talk to him more.
Last night, he asked me if I had a collar. I said yes. But I am not going to wear it because ... I haven't put it on since I left my Master.
But I told him I would go get a simple plain one if he wished etc etc.
So anyway - he asked me to wear just the collar to bed and remember what we had spoken of early that day.
So I did it. Right?
Ok - I think I only did it because he was all "I know it is not my collar, etc etc..."
Here's the weird thing tho. I mean - argh! I don't know where this is going. If this is going anywhere. If I should have my guard up. What to do what to do. I mean very clearly I can't tell him no. I don't know why. I want to shake myself silly sometimes. But ... I am very ... attracted to his words.
I want to please him. I want to obey him. Why? I don't even know his name. I don't know. How confusing. What in the hell is wrong with me?

So here's the thing - I don't want to fight it. i Have stopped the inner fight inside myself that was holding me back from "him" early on. So ... I gave in to myself. I know that it feels good I know that I want to be his good pet. So here's my question - if any of you read this and have some advice, I would be very obliged. Ummm - do I ask him if he wants something else out of this? Do I ask myself if I want more out of this? Does this need to be something established? I mean in my past ...e xperiences it has always been talked about before. And believe me, I am fully aware he doesn't want to show up on my doorstep tomorrow and that I don't (and he doesn't) want me on his doorstep tomorrow. Life is too complicated for this. But I mean do I ask him i fhe thinks this is going to lead to something ... more ... ? Do I have to? Should I?
I am even wary about posting this here because I know he will read it and then I will have to be mad at myself for not shutting my trap again.
This man ... I don't know what it is about him ... but he can make me talk about myself. Excuse me while I throw up. I hate talking about myself and I think I went on and on today for like an hour with him. I mean, like I said I know he's not looking to be a permanent fixture in my "real life" right now. Which is cool for me because ... yeah I haven't even known him that long. I guess my question is - what do I dO? AAAH!
Alright my lovelies. I will speak "to" you all later :)

And here's another thing - why, after 20 some years am I just now starting to be attracted to females/ what the hell?

Don't wish your girlfriend was hot?
Posted on 2005.07.12 at 19:50
no story for tonight ... I have homewwork to do and you will receive another installation tomorrow evening ... maybe morning depends on time

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